Monday, June 22, 2009

A post celebrating the day after the day before yesterday

Okay, so every time I log on here I am massively depressed by my broken promises of a soon to appear blog post. I realize I have broken a sacred covenant with my faithful readers, all 4 of you (thanks Mom, Dad, Elizabeth, and Ian). Hmm, come to think of it if I manage to continue to reproduce at the rate of the last month I could double my readership in no time. Haha! Google ad dollars here I come!

I digress. In honor of Father's Day I have come up with my top ten things I have learned about being a Dad:

10.) Blowing on baby face is both funny and cruel. When Ian really gets worked up he tends to go on breathing strikes. To "help" him out we blow on his face. This really pisses him off, but he starts quits his breathing strike. It also gives him a funny face that makes me laugh. Are we bad parents for this? Probably. Schadenfreude.

9.) Baby knows cause and effect. I scream you serve me. You hold out my food and try to make me laugh instead with you stoopid faces, I scream louder, This is the new world order.

8.) Babies have powerful kicking legs from continually kicking Mom in the womb, but spindly, slightly structurally unsound arms (we have started to remedy this through a strict diet and exercise program).

7.) Babies can sleep anywhere, can sleep through anything (except fire trucks), and look absurdly cute doing it, but... See next entry...

6.) ...the trick is getting them to sleep. I have become convinced that any attempt to reduce CO2 emissions and save the world by driving less will be doomed to failure by sleep deprived parents who have found that sometimes a drive is the only way to get baby to sleep (massively overlong sentence). Like a good 1st world citizen, Ian loves the consumption of fossil fuels.

5.) When Ian smiles it is amazing. What comes next is not. Until recently smiling meant one of two things: a.) barf b.) poop. It is amazing how much attention is given to baby excrement. Actually, when you think about it it makes perfect sense. As much as we try to make Ian use his words, he isn't an excellent communicator so the only way we know if all is good on the inside is what comes out the orifices.

4.) Ian loves to be naked. Ian loves to pee when he is naked. Also, the following is no longer a joke:

3.) Everyone is happier when the parents get to do their things as well. Having a baby doesn't really mean the end of everything you enjoy. Actually Ian gets a little bored being in the house all the time. We take Ian all over and he seems to at least humor us with cooperating. He has become a de facto mascot for the ultimate frisbee team (Unfortunately Elizabeth overruled my naming him Prince Adam). Plus he gets to meet all kinds of interesting people like Tom Hanks(the dog).

2.) Mommy is awesome. This is a public service announcement. Be nice to your mothers. They carried you around for nine months, then push you out a very small hole. How do you repay this? By not letting her sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch, smiling while you barf up the milk she made you (usually back on her), then for good measure drop a turd on her at 4 in the morning. I don't know how she does it. And yes I do have one more video of our new mom dancing to New Kids on the Block 1 hour before going to deliver Ian. However, I am holding it out as a future bargaining chip:)

1.) Babies are awesome dudical.

And one more thing...

For all of those of you out there wondering the correct answer to the sex poll of boy, girl, or cylon. After a month of in-home observation, it has become clear that Ian is a baby cylon. See pic below.


  1. Fantastic post, Justin. Love the videos and pictures! Thanks for sharing your special little guy with us.

  2. Dude, I laughed so hard when I read this post that I almost spit out my beer. You three are waaaaayyy too funny! Thanks for sharing! (Love the not wearing underwear song.)

  3. Cute stuff kids -- looks like you are settling into the whole parents' thing nicely. :) Still waiting for the face-to-face meeting in SV...